This is for him.

I've been holding back a lot.  & I didn't realize it until tonight.  I was in the shower, just thinking and bam... it hit me.  It was awful.

You see, I was sitting there thinking about my plans for mine and AJ's one year anniversary.  I got to thinking about how I only want to do something this sweet with someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me (and no, it's not sex you perv).  AJ's said that he does want to, but I just wanted to make sure... so I got to thinking about how I would ask him.

Well, that led to me thinking about the other day.  I have no idea how.  I was at my bestfriends apartment with her and her "guy-friend" and I somehow we got on the subject of cheating and I just came out and said something about AJ cheating and how I want him to hurt.  My bestfriend said "Your going to have to stop this.  I know you want him to hurt, but I think you've brought it up enough.  I think he's hurt enough.  & he's just going to get mad and you might make him mad enough to where he breaks up with you"...  Well, I replied with "I don't think he's hurt enough.  I don't think he cares". 

So, thinking about that tonight really got to me.  It made me realize how awful I am and how I need to apologize to AJ.  I shouldn't want to hurt him.  & no matter how bad he hurt me, I definitely don't want him to hurt the way I had to.  I've felt so worthless and so ugly because of all this and it's not fun.  & I wouldn't wish it on anyone, except the girl he cheated on my with.  I sat down in my shower tonight and just bawled because of these thoughts.  I mean, it's awful.  I don't even know.  I need to talk to him.  I need to tell him.  Because maybe if I get this out, then maybe things can change.  Maybe I can get back to the way things were.  Maybe I can be happy and not feel like crap all the time.  Maybe I can move on.  Maybe, just maybe, I can feel better about myself.

Cheated.

Cheated. That's how I've been feeling ever since my boyfriend, well, cheated on me. I never once thought that something like that would happen to me. You know? You take those little surveys for fun and they ask "Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?" and you always want to say no. I said no, but now look at me. We just had our 11th month anniversary Friday.

So, why'd he do it? Why did he cheat on ME? He's never cheated before and he's had plenty of other girlfriends. Why'd it have to be me? Not that I think anyone else deserves to be cheated on, however. Why's he have to cheat at all? Why does anyone have to cheat at all? I guess they don't really HAVE to cheat. I mean, it is a choice. I don't believe any of these questions will ever be answered for me.

Why does someone want to cheat, then? Do you feel powerful? Do you feel like you've accomplished something by breaking someones heart? Do you feel better about yourself? I'm not going to lie. After my boyfriend cheated on me, I felt that I should go do the same to him... go kiss some guy. But then I realized it wouldn't be fair for me or the guy, because my heart still lied with aj. Plus, I didn't want to get down to that level. Then I would have to live with the fact that I cheated on someone I loved, just to get revenge. He can live with the guilt. He can live with having to look ME in the eyes because HE did something wrong.

I see the image everyday. Every single freaking day. No, I wasn't there. No, a picture was not taken and a video was not made. No, I don't want to see it, but I do anyway. It's like I was there and like someone did take a picture or did make a video. I can see it plain as day and it hurts like hell. Why would he want to kiss someone like her? She's probably kissed a TON of other guys and does who-knows-what with them, as well.

It was just a kiss, right? WRONG. Yeah, you may think that i'm freaking out over a kiss, but until it happens to you... don't judge me. From what I was told, he wanted her to ride around with him. & he told her that we were having problems. Then the kiss happened. I'm sorry, guys, but if your having a problem with your girlfriend then please don't run off and kiss another girl. Go talk to your girlfriend. Work things out. & if you can't, then maybe it is time to move on. But end it with her. Don't just run off and cheat on her, because that hurts a lot worse.

I have so many unanswered questions. Why? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not skinny enough? Am I not good enough? Do I not give him everything he needs? Am I really that worthless? These all run through my mind now. At least one question a day. They don't overpower me like they used to.

The sad thing is... I can't talk to my boyfriend about it. He wants to act as if nothings happened. As if this was all a bad dream and it will all go away... but, hello, it wasn't a dream. It was reality. It happened, as much as I'd like to deny that. If I so much as bring up cheating, he gets mad and tunes me out. HE NEEDS TO HEAR ME.

I wish he could get inside my head and see how I really feel everyday. I wish he could see that I'm a pretty good actress and that I am really hurting, bad. That i'm not stupid for thinking some of these things and that i'm not crazy. I have my reasons for thinking these things now, but he still doesn't see why. He's a guy (and sorry to those of you who actually are smart and don't do stuff like this) and he just doesn't understand... or care.

It just doesn't go away. The more I hold it in, the more it hurts. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs... at her, at him, and most importantly at myself for believing that I was invisible and that something like this could never happen to me.

I have a brokenheart. It's mending, but slowly. I have no trust. It's starts to come back, but then I lose it again. I have plenty of emotions, though. I cry constantly and as much as I try to deny it, I think this has a lot to do with it. I have enough tears to create a whole new ocean, I'm sure. I wish I was just numb to it all. Being numb to everything would be so much better than having to feel at all.

xoxo; nicole.